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Friend,
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and
help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to
explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're
well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may
ask? Because you're my friend!
**DADDY'S RULEZ FOR DATING**
RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up.
RULE TWO: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
RULE THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
RULE FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "Early."
RULE SIX: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
RULE SEVEN: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
RULE NINE: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind me.
RULE TEN: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
WHAT AM I????
THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.
IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.
IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.
AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN.......... .....TOOTHBRUSH.........
What were you thinking? You PERVERT!
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!"
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground."
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so." Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."
Q: What did the blond say when she opened up a box of Cherios?
A: Oh look, little donut seeds.
Q: How many blonds did it take to change the lightbulb?
A: 5, one to hold the lightbulb, 4 to turn the room around.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A labrador.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a TV. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home. She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this television." she says to the salesman. She gets the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated. She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!"
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the headphones o.k.?"
"Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition: "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones" "No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself. She heard the strangest thing... "breathe in...breathe out... breathe in...breathe out."
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right before the cops arrived. A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!" He said, "Oh, it's only a dog." He kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow." He said, "Oh, it's only a cat." Then, he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES!"
Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.
"Looks like deer tracks", said one blonde.
"No, it looks like maybe a cow track," another blonde suggested.
"Actually, I think they are just dog tracks," the third blonde offered.
They were still arguing when the train hit them!
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!"
SHE WAS SO BLONDE....
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
She put lipstick on her forehead because omeone told her to make up her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
She sat on the tv and watched the couch
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it
She tried to drown a fish
She thought a quarterback was a refund
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
She tripped over a cordless phone
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
She studied for a blood test - and failed
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
She sold the car for gas money
When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
**THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR**
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, all of you just shut up!
Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain yo yank the doors open, then act embarrased when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!
Meow occassionally.
Holler "Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of "THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
Start a sing-along
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Blow spit bubbles.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
**IN CASE YOU NEEDED FURTHER PROOF THAT THE HUMAN RACE IS DOOMED THROUGH STUPIDITY, HERE ARE SOME ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS.**
On a Sear's hairdryer:
*Do not use while sleeping.*
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.*
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.*
(And that would be how...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
*Serving suggestion: Defrost.*
(But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
*Do not turn upside down.*
(Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
*Product will be hot after heating.*
(As night follows day...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
*Do not iron clothes on body.*
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
*Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.*
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-old with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.*
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
*For indoor and outdoor use only.*
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
*Not to be used for other use.*
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
*Warning: Contains nuts.*
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
*Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.*
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's Superman costume:
*Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.*
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.*
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
**YOU HAVE TO USE AN ITALIAN ACCENT FOR THIS JOKE TO WORK!!**
One day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say, you better not piss on the plate, you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma b*tch!
Later I go eats lunch at Drake Restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anda knife, but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me, everybody wanna fock. I tell her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say, you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma b*tch.
So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say, you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma b*tch.
I go to check out anda the man at the desk say, "Peace to you." I say, "Piss on you too, you sonna ma b*tch."
I go back to Italy.
Read each line aloud.:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line
from the top.
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